Whatever You Want

by a campbell

Thanks to fajrdrako for the beta.

Clark/Lex, PWP, NC-17, Spoilers for "Cool"

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There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.

George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (act IV)

“What are you doing here?” Lex rarely looked surprised at anything, but his eyebrows lifted just a bit. He flipped his laptop closed and rose to his feet, wondering, perhaps, why Clark was still in flannel and in his dusk-shadowed study at 6:41 p.m. on the big night. “Shouldn’t you be busy about now?”

Clark shrugged and smiled, trying to look calm and cool rather than nervous. He’d sped at his regular lightning pace through the raw November chill just to get here in time to thank Lex for his generosity before his parents left the farm. “Thought I’d save you sending the limo all the way out to the farm to pick me up. Gas is expensive.”

Lex chuckled, and Clark mentally smacked himself upside the head. Like he cares, he chided himself. Someday Lex was going to lose patience with his stupidity. He’d better start talking again before Lex realized that he hadn’t used horsepower or gasoline to get here himself.

Lex moved in as he always did, just a shade too close for comfort. “You have to go back that way to pick up Lana, don’t you? And isn’t her aunt’s house on the lot right next to your farm? Not much gas saved there.”

Warm blood crept up Clark’s jaw and into his cheeks. “Well…yeah. I guess not. I really just wanted to--”

“And your folks will be here soon. If they’re still coming, that is.”

“As far as I know, they are.” Clark tried to banish the memory of Jonathan’s nonstop pre-departure grumbling and Martha’s nervous reassurances that he was being grouchy for no reason and that they really did need to hear what Lex had to say. Both had uncomfortably filled the span of time between after school and his leaving the farm for Lex’s, and he just hoped that Martha came out the winner and that his folks would actually show up here after he left.

He wasn’t sure why it was so important to him that his parents and Lex get along, or that his dad at least just stop hating Lex for starters, but for some inexplicable reason, it was. He wanted it with a tender desperation beyond reason, more than he wanted Lana, even, or a car of his own. Or to be normal, a state of being he’d taken for granted until just this past autumn.

Clark sighed. When it came right down to it, there were so many things he wasn’t sure about.

“So,ready for the big date?” Lex spat out the last two words in staccato, almost, Clark fancied, as though they burned his tongue. But he was no doubt mistaken. Because if Lex hadn’t wanted him to go out with Lana, would he have…

Wait. He backtracked mentally. This was the wrong turn for the conversation to take. Clark shook his head. “It’s not a date,” he protested lamely for what must have been the millionth time that week.

“Right,” said Lex, standing to pour himself a drink. He turned back to Clark as he sipped slowly and waited. And, even though Clark had already posed the question outside the Beanery, he said it again. “Why are you doing all this for me?”

Because all those looks Lex kept giving him, had been giving him since they met, cool, assessing, then warm and intrigued—as though he thought Clark was the most important and attractive person in the world. The way Lex, casual amble notwithstanding, circled him like a predator, assessing him, as though Clark were a slave at an Eastern market and Lex was a sultan with gold in his purse, even made him go hard, sometimes, despite that they were both guys and that shouldn’t be happening. With Lex, he felt…owned, possessed. And maybe that should have been a bad feeling, but somehow it wasn’t.

Clark sighed, afraid that he’d never understand himself, not if he lived to be a hundred. Because, hard as he tried not to, he craved Lex’s attention, loved that he treated him as though he were special…and good looking, and hot. It was like crack. If Lex’s main goal was just to have him date Lana, it so didn’t make sense.

“I thought I already explained that outside the coffee shop,” Lex was saying with calm patience. He drained his glass, then, picking up the tongs, added one cube of ice, then another, and refilled it without looking back in Clark’s direction.

“Well, tell me again.” Clark was surprised at the firmness of his voice as he issued the demand. And stunned at his own persistence in pinning Lex down. But somehow, he just kept talking. “I want to hear it.”

Lex just looked over at him for a moment, then looked away briefly, then back again. Clark waited. For a moment, he didn’t think Lex was planning to respond. If he just said something like, “Have fun tonight,” Clark just might die of embarrassment right there on the study floor.

But he didn’t.

“Simple. I just want you to have what you want. Whatever you want.”

Oh. Though tempted to ask why, again, Clark found himself speechless at the words. And again, there was that ridiculously giddy sensation in the pit of his stomach. During the long pause, Lex just sipped his drink and aimed a casual smile Clark’s way, as though daring him to make something of it.

Clark took a deep breath. Should I ask why? He wondered, but something stopped him. Thank God he could still think, even if he couldn’t talk. And what he thought was:

But what if I’m not sure what I want. Can you help me with that?

He opened his mouth to stammer something out, but Lex was sliding back into his desk chair and firing up his computer once again, eyes focused on the screen.

“Just head on down to the garage and tell Hans you’re ready to go. And have fun tonight.”

****

“So, what went wrong?” Lex’s gaze traveled from Clark’s face down to his scuffed sneakers and back up again the next drizzly winter afternoon. “My driver said you had him pull over outside the Beanery, you and Lana got out, and then he drove Pete,” and Lex said “Pete,” as though it were the name of some exotic species from Borneo, “Pete and his date around town and home. The two of you never made it to the concert.”

Clark’s primary emotion was an odd sense of desperate relief. “Lex, I’m sorry. I never meant for those tickets to go to waste. It’s just that: something important came up and I had to leave.” There was so much he couldn’t tell Lex about the weirdness of the previous evening, not the least of which was that there was a guy frozen beneath the surface in his pond--the pond that could be seen across the field from the window by the desk. Maybe he’d find that out next spring.

“Something important,” Lex repeated the phrase like a mantra. “Must have been pretty crucial for you to leave Lana waiting at the Beanery until the quarterback came along to pick up the slack.”

With a wince, Clark spread his hands. “I just had no choice. If I could explain, I would. You just have to trust me on this. Lex. Please.”

Lex studied him for a long moment, but instead of protesting further, he just turned to pour another scotch, and Clark sighed with relief as he lifted the glass again to his lips. He took a drink, then brushed his mouth with the back of his hand. “Too bad your evening didn’t work out. I’m sorry, Clark.”

“It’s no big deal. Maybe it was meant to be that way. Lana and Whitney are back together now, even closer than before, and it’s like it never happened.” Despite the fact that his primary emotion was a deflated sense of relief, he couldn’t suppress a sigh. He’d been so sure that having a date with Lana would equal happiness, but he still felt--

“More sorry than you know.”

Clark turned from the window, startled at the comment. Because Lex usually didn’t apologize for anything. And, really, his failed date couldn’t mean that much to Lex, anyway, could it?

“Lana doesn’t realize what’s she’s missing.” Clark felt himself gasp at his friend’s words. And then, Lex leveled a gaze that could only be called sizzling, no matter which way Clark tried to spin it. Before Clark could focus, he was close, really close. A light touch on his cheek; Lex fingered the mist of five-o-clock shadow and smiled. “Just how available does this make you?”

Clark gasped. He was sure he had imagined it. Then, he was positive he hadn’t.

He’d known for awhile now that Lex liked him more than he really had a reason to. He’d been over all this in his head the day before. No one else: girls, guys, men or women, looked at him the way Lex did, certainly no billionaires, or their sons, either. And when Lex asked him, that afternoon he so reluctantly returned the truck, “Do you believe a man can fly?” there was so much more going on in that one sentence than a simple question.

All of a sudden it was as though he was studying one of those magic-eye puzzles that suddenly turned into an image so clear that you’d wonder how you’d missed it before. More than that: a neon puzzle illuminated with 500-watt bulbs. It all seemed so clear now.

Lex wanted him. But as smart as he was…maybe he cared about him enough that if he thought Clark wanted something, someone else, he wasn’t going to push it “If you love something, set it free,” as at least a million greeting cards proclaimed. Maybe it wasn’t just a romantic, unrealistic cliché, Clark thought, almost frantic with delight and excitement. And if that wasn’t the coolest thing in the world…

Without a thought, acting on instinct, Clark stepped over, closing the distance between them. Despite his earlier bravado, Lex stared at him as though stunned, and Clark wondered briefly whether he’d been toying with him, not really thinking Clark would respond to the overture.

So what? He didn’t care. It was decision time, and Clark made his decision in one white-hot instant. Reached out with both hands, hesitant but determined, let fingers close on Lex’s slim arms. Felt him stiffen, whisper, “Clark--“ on a tense breath. “Don’t do anything you—“

Clark shook his head. “I want this,” he whispered. “I want you. The same way you want me.” A thrill, small but intense, coursed through him as he heard the hitch in Lex’s breath, then again as Lex relaxed in Clark’s grasp, eyes dropping closed.

Cupping Lex’s head in his hands, he held him steady, then leaned in. He didn’t think he knew how to kiss very well, but realized within moments he must be doing a surprisingly good job. Lex’s mouth opened in response to the probing of his tongue, his body melted into Clark’s, and it was good, and warm, and sweet, so sweet. Through the delicious haze, Clark realized that, while he may not need to breathe, Lex did, so after a timeless stretch, he released him with reluctance.

Lex gasped for air in what was, for him, an unsophisticated gulp, and Clark’s response was a gleeful, astounded, hysterical chuckle. He even astonished himself. Lex didn’t laugh, but just stood there, chest heaving. Probably struck dumb not to be calling the shots for once, Clark mused, then immediately scolded himself mentally for the childish thought. Even considering that, Lex never looked the way he was looking now. Lex was always smooth, suave, calm and in control. Wry, despite the glow of interest, of appreciation, common in his gaze. But now Lex was breathing hard, looking uncertain and a little afraid. And young, even though he always acted so grown up, almost as young as Clark himself, and the expression on his face said it all. He was lost.

Clark’s only response was to pull him in again for another kiss. And, this time, he swore he could really feel the ground shift under his feet. Lex seemed to accept the challenge and took over, which was no surprise, thought Clark, knowing how crucial it was to him always to be in control of every situation.

But he was trembling, for God’s sake, and Clark’s eyes flew open in surprise as Lex reached out to touch his face. His fingers, when they traced the skin of his cheek, were soft, and so gentle. Clark caught his breath and leaned into the touch, lips opening. He hadn’t kissed that many people, but damned if he could stop now. He was on a mission, focused, determined, committed. And so hard it hurt.

He let go of Lex and collapsed onto the couch. Half falling off, he pulled himself back up to a sitting position, looked up, panting and needy, in time to see surefooted Lex stumble and drop to his knees at his feet. “Jesus, God,” his voice a low, hot murmur. "Clark, let me--"

Clark shifted, let his legs fall open as though following some kind of script. He waited for Lex to move in, for the touch of Lex’s hand on his fly, put his own hand over Lex’s when it happened. And he was right, he wasn’t mistaken, Lex’s palm, his fingers, were still shaking, but not so badly that he couldn’t unfasten the button at Clark’s waist and pull down the zipper of his jeans.

Clark leaned back in the leather and closed his eyes. “God,” he moaned when he felt his cock spring free and the cool library air hit the droplets of precome oozing from the tip. Then, before he could catch his breath, Lex’s tongue, probing in the thatch of hair on his groin, and then moist on his bare skin. Hot breath on his balls, his cock, just before Lex opened his mouth and swallowed him down, and Clark squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, crying out something desperate and unintelligible, coming so fast and hard that he nearly lost consciousness as he slumped back down on the cushions.

God, that was good, he thought, senses spinning. He just hoped he hadn’t killed Lex, or something. He opened his eyes just a sliver for a worried peek as he tried to subdue his ragged breathing. Lex was still kneeling, face down on his arm on the leather cushion beside Clark, who was relieved to see him flinch when he laid a hand on his shoulder.

“What just happened?” Clark heard his own weak voice, and, wow, he sounded like a dope. He waited in semi-terror for an answer, suffered a dull panic when none came.

Lex lifted his head and sat back on his heels with a smile more genuine than Clark had ever seen him manage before. He took a quick breath, as though unsure for a moment if he should answer Clark’s question. But he did.

“Clark, I haven’t loved that many people in the course of my life. Before I met you, I doubted I ever would. After I did, I was surprised to learn something important. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. If it was Lana you wanted, I made it my mission to help you link up with her.” He paused, looked up, held Clark’s gaze for a long moment, then with a shrug, almost laughed.

“And, if you want me instead, well, I want you to have that, too. That way, we both come out winners.” The smile faded from Lex’s face as his eyes grew thoughtful. He rose to his feet and, with a last caress of Clark’s cheek, turned back to his desk and his waiting laptop.

Clark just sat, unable to move. He loves me, he thought in astonishment, wondering that it suddenly felt like Christmas, Easter, and his birthday wrapped into one. I was right. And I love him, not Lana. I really do.

And at least now I know what I have to do to shake him up, he thought, chuckling inwardly in amazement and delight at the realization that now they belonged to each other.

Whatever I want, Clark laughed harder, breaking into a grin. Guess it was something other than I thought it was.

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