Touch Me

by a campbell

Smallville, Clark Kent/Lex Luthor

____________________

Not the best day so far.

Clark waited, half-sprawled on the couch in Lex's study. Stared balefully at the open screen of Lex's laptop, at the face staring out at him, surrounded by borders and text. Confident, attractive, dark eyes intense.

Knight, Adam. Lana's new boyfriend.

And maybe Lex's, too.

Clark sighed, his eyes burned. He shifted in his seat, sighed again, heavier, this time.

Being replaced all around was sucktastic.

____________________

Things had been beyond rough lately. First, the lousy spring and summer he'd been trying desperately to forget. Even if his parents had nearly forgiven him for everything he'd done, everything that had gone so badly wrong, he was a long way still from forgiving himself.

Add to that the endless, devastating weeks Lex had been in the asylum. The impotent agony of not being able to help him, of knowing he was there for no good reason, the black fear of what might be befalling him at any given moment, and what his fate might be if no one helped him escape.

Even worse, since getting home from Belle Reve, Lex hadn't so much as touched him.

Well, he'd hugged him. But, that just wasn't as good as feeling slim fingers gliding through his hair, over his cheekbones, down over his ribs, tickling just a little. Or the moist heat of Lex's open mouth on his lips or neck, both of them gasping for breath when the kiss broke.

Or sucking his cock. Clark really missed that. Big time.

Especially since, for some reason since getting out, Lex was sexier than ever. Voice lower and smooth like velvet and spun sugar. Skin that glowed, pearl-like, limbs beyond graceful when he ambled across the floor. Maybe it was just the endless time of deprivation playing tricks with his perception, but whatever, Clark's hands itched to reach out, pull Lex close, cradle him against his chest, then clasp his bald head in strong hands and caress him with lips half-open, breathless with desire. Make everything all right again for both of them.

How much did Lex remember of what they'd been to each other? Clark told himself he had to assume: nothing.

Nothing of the day they'd first looked into each other's eyes, waterlogged and shocked, felt the earth shift and the heavens open. Or later, when they'd flirted, caressed, touched for the first time, mesmerized by the wonder of it all.

He didn't know whether Lex's memory would ever return completely or not. He seemed to remember most things.

But he hadn't touched him once since he got home.

And Clark needed him to, badly. Was left to pump his own cock every night, panting, biting his lip, exhaling Lex's name on a long moan as he spilled over his fist.

Lex was his, damn it. He'd managed somehow to hold onto him, through Victoria, Desiree, and Helen. All during that first year or so while he half-heartedly tried to reinterest himself in Lana, tried to talk himself out of wanting Lex. And failed. It had torn Clark apart to know Lex was institutionalized against his will, and to be unable to help him. He didn't even like to think back on that horrible time, although memories still invaded his dreams while he slept, turning them into nightmares from which he awoke screaming.

His dad said he should just be damn glad Lex didn't remember anything about the powers. And he really tried to be, but his folks didn't know about everything else, and a good thing, too.

Losing Lana to Adam just left Clark with kind of a wistful feeling, the kind you got when you were gradually too old to believe in Santa Claus, or to trick or treat.

But he didn't intend to lose Lex to Adam. Not by a long shot.

That would feel like the end of the world.

But what could he do, if Lex didn't remember? Or if, for some reason, Lex had come out of it not feeling the same way about him any more? Maybe the electroshock therapy had blitzed all the brain cells that had found Clark attractive, told him Clark was hot. Clark had always let Lex take the lead in every encounter before, but now? Nothing. He'd been waiting for weeks like a starving puppy for one of those glances that quickly kindled and darkened with interest, made Clark's knees practically give out under him.

The worst thing was, he'd never really told Lex how much he meant to him. He'd always played it cool, been kind of embarrassed, afraid it would all vanish in a puff of smoke if he put it into words. Lex was always suave and in control...well, usually, and Clark didn't want to be the one to go all gushy, and maybe make Lex decide that he, Clark, was too young for this, after all.

And now, he might never get a chance, because he just didn't think he had the guts to make a pass, and risk Lex rejecting him. Lex wasn't the only one who was a little more vulnerable now.

Coward, he moaned inwardly. You can lift a tractor, a house, run to New York City in ten minutes. But you can't tell Lex you love him. How lame is that?

____________________

"Clark," Lex cruised in, wearing that new, slinky burgundy sweater that clung to his hips and showed a ripple of fine chest muscles beneath the fabric. "What brings you over this way?"

I need a reason? Clark thought uneasily. "Just wanted to see how you were doing," He couldn't help a yearning scan up and down as he curled one hand, then the other, into a light fist and swallowed hard.

I wanted to see you. Talk with you. Touch you. See if you remember.

"No school today?" Lex had what must have been yesterday's mail in his hand, and he thumbed through it while waiting for Clark's answer.

Does it matter?

"Two-hour delay. Ice."

"That bad? Think I'll work here today, then. Don't really want to drive in this weather, or take the chopper. Grab some breakfast in the kitchen on your way out. Some hot chocolate for the road." Lex sat down at his desk, turning to give him that slightest of grins Clark had always loved, cool and confidential, to drive the customary open-handed generosity home.

Guess I'm leaving, Clark thought, deflated. But he hesitated. "Sure you're okay?" The skin of Lex's neck, pulse of ivory above the rounded scoop of the sweater's collar, so smooth in contrast to the dark fabric. Clark wanted to bend over him from the back as he used to do, mouth the skin near the Adam's apple, hear Lex groan, then sigh, as he did it. Lex would reach up to put his hand over Clark's then, and pull Clark clumsily down into his lap for a longer kiss, deeper, wetter... The memory vanished in the cold morning air.

"Doing fine," Lex was typing, fingers zipping over the keyboard of the laptop. "Never better."

Clark could feel any confidence he'd arrived with vanishing rapidly. Come on, Stupid. Say it! He licked his lips, opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again.

Touch him.

Touch me, Lex... Please.

Please.

"Guess I'll head out, then."

"Wait. You need a ride?"

Even though he wanted to accept, say, "Sure, why not?" Clark heard himself respond dully, "No thanks, I'll walk."

"Thanks for stopping by, Clark. It means a lot."

Clark summoned a smile, hoping Lex's glance would linger, that the attraction would thrum in the air between them as it used to. But Lex had already disengaged. Before, Clark had always been able to feel his gaze burning into him even after he'd left the room, and the secure knowledge of Lex's fascination would kept him warm all afternoon. Lex wasn't even looking at him now. Was just staring at the laptop screen with a faraway look on his face. Gaze thin, chin tilted slightly up. Clark was pretty sure he hadn't hit "enter".

Clark turned away, grasped the brass door handle with cold fingers, his throat dry as Death Valley. He tried again. "Bye," he muttered.

As the door thumped shut behind him, his heart simultaneously sank pretty much all the way into his workboots.

He might be super-strong, but his feelings unfortunately seemed to be as human as anyone on earth's.

And, right now, this really hurt.

Next time I come over, they'll probably be in bed together.

Clark knew he might be jumping to conclusions, but he couldn't help thinking it, all the same.

Couldn't banish the notion that Lex might soon be lost to him.

____________________

Clark didn't usually consider himself vain. Externals weren't all that important, his parents always said, and good looks were fleeting. Still, he'd never been able to help savoring Lex's appreciation of some of his attributes. His vision and perception were good enough to have noticed with dismay that Adam also had finely-chiseled cheekbones and piercing green eyes. Well-formed body, too, though shorter and slighter than his own. Maybe Lex liked that, feeling bigger, stronger, more powerful than a partner, enjoyed the contrast after being with Clark. If he remembered.

He was up against some pretty stiff competition. Maybe in more ways than one.

____________________

"Hi, Clark."

"Hey." Adam flopped into the cushioned seat across from him, and Clark set his mug down on the table, with a quick swipe to his upper lip to obliterate any lingering trace of cinnamon-flecked whipped cream. He tried to suppress the basilisk glare of resentment (more lethal for sure than heat vision) that would cheerily have turned Adam to stone. Clark tried to keep his tone casual. "What's up?"

"Hey, do me a favor." Adam looked around, leaned across the table and lowered his voice. "When you see Lex, tell him to give me a call?"

After a beat of stunned silence, Clark let his breath out on a low hiss. He didn't want to have a discussion with Adam about Lex. He was seriously grumpy and wired today, despite allowing himself the rare cappuccino treat at the Talon. This morning, he'd snapped at his mom before breakfast, and come close to smacking his dad's arm away when he clapped a work-worn hand on his shoulder in the barn.

He really needed to get laid.

He really needed Lex. But:

"I may not be seeing him before you do." Hard, so hard, to admit.

"It's okay. I'm going over there tomorrow. He wants to talk." With a smile, Adam got to his feet. "Catch you later.

Clark waved him off, and sat brooding. He felt almost flayed.

Talk?

You can't have him, Clark thought with bleak desperation. His lips, his hands, his tongue, heart. They're all mine.

____________________

After another couple of miserable sleepless nights, Clark came to a decision.

He still didn't have the courage to face Lex. But that didn't mean he was totally spineless.

"Adam." There weren't many people in the Talon that time of day, early afternoon on a Saturday, and Lana wouldn't come in until five. "Can I buy you a mocha?"

Adam looked just a little wary, but nodded. "Sure." He followed Clark to a booth well away from the other customers. They made small talk until their beverages arrived.

"Adam," Clark began again, with an attempt at a smile he was sure must look pretty halfhearted, followed by a deep swig of black coffee so hot it would have burned anyone else's throat. "I think I might be losing someone I love."

Adam raised his eyebrows. It was a moment before he spoke. "Sorry to hear that, Clark." He shifted in his seat, looking to Clark as though he were steeling himself for whatever was coming next. Before Clark could answer, though, he continued.

"Lana told me you don't know what you want. Guess maybe you do?" Adam sighed, drummed agile pianist's fingers on the wooden tabletop. "I haven't known her for long, Clark, but she's already become special to me. If you're asking me to back off, I'm afraid I can't. May the best man win."

Clark took a quick breath, shook his head. Tried to "screw his courage to the sticking place," the one line he remembered from reading "Macbeth" in sophomore English class. "It's not that. Not Lana."

"Well, then? What? Who?"

Give me strength, Clark prayed to some deity unknown, which gave him the power to hold Adam's gaze steady. "Adam. Did you get to see Lex yesterday?"

"Did I...yeah." Adam's expression was guarded. "We talked. Why?"

Clark had hoped he'd be able to be more straightforward than this. He started to speak, then hesitated, looked down, trying to wrestle up some courage as he felt hot blood rush to his cheeks.

Looked up to see Adam studying him, mouth slightly open, realization dawning on his fine, serious features.

"Lex," he murmured, almost as though he were talking to himself. "You and Lex. Damn."

Clark felt himself blush again; he couldn't help it. But not with shame. He'd never been more proud in his life to be in love with Lex.

"Am I right?"

Clark nodded, raised his clenched jaw, daring Adam to say anything about it.

Conflicting emotions seemed to be warring in Adam's expression: astonishment, confusion, reluctant admiration.

Adam whistled through his teeth, low. "I guess that explains a lot."

"I don't expect you to understand," Clark gripped the edge of the table with both hands. "But Lex has been through hell. Part of his memory is gone, and I can't be sure how he feels, now. Whatever he wants, he can have. But I just wanted you to know that what he decides is going to matter to me."

There, he'd said it. And Adam had heard it. The Talon ceiling hadn't caved in and fallen on them.

"No problem, Clark. I'm glad you told me how you feel." Adam drained the last of his coffee in a long swallow, smiled, and stood up. "Again, may the best man win." He extended a hand to Clark, who hesitated for a moment, then took it. With a firm handshake, Adam was gone.

Clark sat motionless. He felt suddenly very sure of a couple of things. He didn't know where Lex's heart and mind really were right now.

But he was going to talk to him tomorrow.

____________________

Lex met him in the foyer. He didn't usually do that, usually waited for Clark to come to him, wherever in the mansion he might be.

They started down the hall toward the library as though it were an agreed-upon destination. Clark spoke first. "I need to talk to you."

Lex stepped back so Clark could enter first, then closed the door behind them. He slid his hands into his pockets. "Then talk."

Now or never, thought Clark.

"Lex, things have been different lately. You've seemed really distant. I know what all you've been through, but. I miss the way things used to be. If you really want Adam, I'll have to accept it. But not without telling you how I feel."

Lex was quiet for a few moments. The room was so still Clark could almost hear his own heart thudding in his chest. No matter what he says, Clark thought, I have to be strong.

Lex exhaled. "Clark, I'm glad you came over. Adam was here." He dropped down in his desk chair, and let it tip back, not taking his cool gaze from Clark's face.

"He was?" Clark felt the cold ghost of fear, and a little sick to his stomach, even though there was no kryptonite around, and he'd had almost no breakfast before leaving home.

"Yeah. Last night." Lex looked down, let one finger skate along the glass desktop.

"Oh." Clark steeled himself for the worst. He could always join the Foreign Legion or the Peace Corps.

"He told me what you said."

"Oh."

Lex got up suddenly, pushing back his chair, then meandered over to Clark's side, and Clark turned, a little afraid. Lex moved in close, opening a palm to cup his elbow. Clark could feel the firm press of Lex's body against his, and Clark knew he must look like a dope, really, his face going stupid, stunned, frozen as his heart flipped crazily in his chest.

"You know, I thought it might just be part of the psychosis."

Clark tried and failed to stop staring. One hand reached up to clasp Lex's almost of its own accord. Lex folded his fingers back, bent to kiss his palm open-mouthed, and Clark felt the gasp bubble from his lips as though torn from his throat. Lex looked up with a sleek, small grin, and when he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper.

"I kept having these visions of you, Clark. Of us, together. And thinking, maybe I am crazy, if this is something I'm wanting so badly, and I'm in it all alone. A beautiful young kid like you...made no logical sense at all."

"Lex," Clark's throat was tight, and he was afraid he was going to lose it, any minute.

Lex seemed to be hardly daring to breathe, and Clark couldn't move, either, transfixed by the intensity of his scrutiny. It was as though Lex were trying to see right through him. "So they weren't delusions. It was real."

Clark's heart did a giddy, blissful flip. How he'd hoped for this. Lex remembered.

"It was real," Clark had the courage to speak at last, confidently, so Lex would be sure to believe him. "Not your imagination. And it's still real, as far as I'm concerned. I still want you, Lex. Whether or not you want me."

Lex looked at him, incredulous for a moment. "Whether or not? Clark, every time I've seen you, in the last few weeks, I've just been crazy to touch you all over."

"For real? I didn't think you were even looking at me."

Lex just gave him that slight, sleek smile. Clark thought his heart just might burst with happiness and he'd keel over right there in front of Lex's bookcase.

"Well, I've felt the same," he went on, face breaking into a grin. "You taught me what love was, Lex. And, once I knew, being without it was really hard. Especially when I thought I was losing you to Adam."

Lex was looking back with an expression both quizzical and intrigued. "Losing me to Adam? That's what you thought?"

"Yeah." Clark clenched his fists, willing himself not to blush.

Lex seemed for a brief moment as though he were trying not to chuckle, and then sobered. He held Clark's gaze, and Clark waited.

"Clark, Adam does interest me, I can't deny it."

Clark could feel his face fall at that. I knew it was too good to be true, he thought. Now it really hurts.

"But not that way. He's just a mystery waiting to be solved."

"One you can't pass up?"

"We'll see. But I promise you one thing, Clark. It won't affect my feelings for you. Adam isn't someone to love. Leave him to Lana."

Lex raised his eyebrows. "So, now that we've settled that...?" And spread his arms wide for Clark to come into them.

Clark's grin got even bigger and his eyes darkened, his heart melting almost to jello at the rapt expression on Lex's face. He took a quick breath. "Tomorrow's Sunday. I don't have school. Why don't I stay tonight, and you plan to touch me as much as you want? Till you've had your fill, at least. It'll be awhile before I have mine." He grinned more heartily than he had in at least a month, went obediently over, and then reached out, reeled Lex in instead. Lex laughed, relaxing in surrender as Clark bent to nuzzle behind his ear.

Lex's arms went around him; Clark could feel Lex tremble in his hands, a light shiver that was gone in an instant. He leaned his head briefly against Clark's chest, and then drew back, still holding him gently by both arms.

"You know, Clark, I may never have my fill. But we should find that out for sure." Lex reached out and let a lingering hand trail down Clark's cheek. We could see how long it might take."

"Okay. But, just promise: don't leave me again." Clark folded Lex to his chest at last, the way he'd been longing to do. "Touch me till there's no doubt in your mind. Till you really believe it's real."

____________________

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