Inside Clark

by a campbell

Smallville, Clark Kent/Lex Luthor

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A short Clark piece for my anonymous LJ benefactor. Warning: it's in present tense.

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Clark's been keeping a lot inside lately, all through winter and into spring.

Ordinarily, he tries to tell his parents everything, but, more and more, he's not doing it. It's easier to just keep it all to himself. Keep his own counsel. He likes the way that sounds: appropriately secret and serious for the task.

His parents' questions, for which he has no answers, are making him nervous enough, anyway. He's glad they left early for the ceremony that isn't going to be.

When he was younger, he'd always wanted a brother or sister, and he'd thought he still did. When Lex had mentioned, in his offhand way, having had one, he'd almost been a little jealous, even though Lex's brother had been only a baby when he died. At least, Lex had been a brother for a little while. Long enough to say it had happened.

It had been fun having Ryan in the house; even pretending off and on that he was really family. Cool having someone to play basketball with, then get ready for dinner with, to hang out together in front of the tv with after dinner and to say goodnight to before bed. Someone besides his parents.

Even though it had torn him apart when Ryan died. Sometimes, relationships just seemed to mean pain.

He feels guilty, now.

He knows that having this baby is, for his parents, the fulfillment of a dream abandoned long ago. He'd thought it was Martha who'd felt the loss most keenly, but now he's beginning to believe that Jonathan is the most excited of all. So, why can't he just be happy for them?

He can't talk himself out of feeling jealous. And lonely. And miserable.

He hasn't been letting on how left out he feels. Right now, when he really needs all the love and support his parents can possibly muster, they're busy and preoccupied with something else. Their real kid. And he knows that, no matter how much his parents might try to convince him otherwise (they've been trying too hard, he reflects, with a scowl), nothing can keep it from being true. This child already has an indelible blood-bond with his mom and dad that he can never, ever achieve.

His place in the family is being taken by someone else. Even though he's been there a lot longer. He's probably going to get less and less important as time goes on. It hurts, makes him almost want to cry, tears more angry than hurt.

He hopes no one is watching as he kicks the side of the barn.

But, maybe it's just as well. Maybe it's better that his parents have something to take their attention away from him, to fill the space that will be left in their hearts and lives after he's gone. The burning bruise on his chest keeps reminding him that he has to go. Or, is supposed to go. He's marked, belongs to someone else, now.

The thought scares him, and he mentally digs in his heels.

He's not going anywhere, he vows. Not yet, at least.

Clark knows that his parents are pleased as punch that he and Lana have been going out. Mom smiles when he mentions her, and his dad just seems relieved. Finally, Lana should have made everything better. Lana's pretty, and sweet, and having her at last makes him feel as if he had won top prize at the Smallville spring carnival, with cotton candy on the side and crocuses at his feet. But it doesn't feel as great as he'd always thought it would. It's comfortable. But, she feels more like a sister or a childhood friend, not like the desire of his heart. Holding her, kissing her, leaves him feeling pleasant, no more. Pleasant, bored, a little stifled. He'd watched her walk out of the barn a few minutes ago with palpable relief.

Unfulfilled. Wanting more.

Wanting Lex.

Clark's been keeping it all inside, how Lex makes him feel. Has been since the beginning, since the day they met, only lately it's gotten a lot harder. Somehow it hadn't mattered so much when Victoria had been around, or even Desiree. Maybe because Lex had been just fooling around, or married and divorced so fast all the heads in Smallville were still whirling. And through it all, he’d still seemed to care about Clark. But, now, Helen Bryce seems real, and permanent. Clark felt he was about to lose, big time, until Lex had given him reason, yesterday, to hope once again.

Lex is supposed to be getting married at noon, and Clark has never told him how he felt. Even though he's sure Lex guessed long ago.

As soon as he takes care of his task, he'll tell him.

Resolutely ignoring the tremble in his stomach, Clark looks at his watch, takes a quick breath, and heads out to the storm cellar.

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