Equivocation

by a campbell

Smallville, Clex

Secrets. Such a part of life. Everyone’s life, but his more than most.

Seemed like way too many sometimes, Clark thought. Ever since that conversation with Dad last fall, that started in the barn and ended in the storm cellar, secrets were multiplying faster than the field rabbits that roamed the fields around the farm at dusk and after dark. Kind of like that poem his 7th grade English teacher Mr. Hopkins used to quote all the time to kids who fudged their tardy slips: "Oh, what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive." Or the "Isaac begat Jacobs" in the Bible.

What would it feel like to be able to be honest about everything, to everyone that mattered?

Secrets were sometimes regrettable, sometimes necessary. Often a problem. They kept a guy like him from doing what he wanted to do, fun things that everyone else enjoyed without thinking about it. Parties and playgrounds when he was a kid, football and basketball now that he was older. Sometimes they could drive wedges between friends that stuck fast and couldn’t be dislodged. When it all came down to it, they couldn’t be avoided. Part of life. But sometimes when there were too many, they got people wondering so much that they just couldn’t contain their curiosity any longer. And then there was trouble.

He sure got tired of being private hobby for everyone who was supposed to be his friend.

Take the deal with Chloe and the class project. Maybe her prying and curiosity would have been just as annoying if he were a regular, normal person, but he had more to lose if very many people found out about how he’d wound up here in Smallville. The thought of her rooting around in his past made him feel weak and almost sick inside. And hadn’t they been friends for years? What about people he didn’t know as well?

For months, pretty much since that unexpected meeting on the bridge, he’d been fending off questions from Lex. Who was also a friend, but not what his mom would have called a tried and true friend, since they hadn’t known each other that long, and who knew if Lex would stand by him in the long run. Dad, in a startling break with the Kent pattern of hiding stuff, made no secret of the fact that he thought Lex was total bad news, trouble, but Clark didn’t feel Dad’s opinion was founded in reality. Jonathan wouldn’t let himself see the good: Clark reminded himself of how Lex despite commitments and responsibilities, had gone out of his way to befriend a farm kid, had tried to help his family with their money troubles, given him tickets and wheels to take Lana out. And then, the day Earl Jenkins took over the plant. That was being a hero: he’d risked his life.

But Lex had an inquiring mind and questions, always. What happened? Is there something you want to tell me? I don’t think you’re being completely honest with me...

Maybe he should be more careful, pull back a little. But all these things were just rattled off by some abstract, weird voice in his head. His heart told him otherwise.

Since he’d gotten the powers back, and he and Lex had settled their differences about that night with the hammer, things had been great. They’d gotten really close all of a sudden. Really close. And since then, Clark hadn’t had much thought to spare for Lana.

Lana who? He chuckled inwardly. It wasn’t that he didn’t still like her, but right now he was pretty busy. And Lex...well, Lex was teaching him a lot. Not only experiences that were new to him, but about feelings he never had. Clark grinned, feeling his cheeks warm with embarrassed pleasure. Lately, every day was an adventure.

But he couldn’t tell his parents about it. Or his friends. As much pleasure and excitement as knowing Lex, and loving Lex, was giving him, when it came down to it, it was just one more in the whole line of secrets, one more item about himself he had to keep hidden.

He got tired of secrets. Especially when love was involved.

He wanted to know everything about Lex. Everything. Starting with that odd dark past of his, that he sometimes referred to in those conversations at the Beanery or late in the evenings at his house, threading his fingers through Clark’s hair when Clark lay sprawled over his lap. Said those things just to shock him and make him wonder, Clark figured, and then wouldn’t give over the details. Lex had a lot of layers, which was part of his appeal. But he had a way of making it sound like his past experiences were made up of things Clark could never know about in a million years. Which wasn’t exactly keeping secrets, but would he tell all if Clark asked?

Maybe he wanted him to ask. But Clark wasn’t even sure what all he wanted to know.

Only suddenly, over the last week or so, things had gotten darker. There’d been that weird thing with the purple cd player planted in Lex’s car. And that gift box, delivered to the Talon...he never should have let Lex open it, but he’d been scared to let on that he knew what was inside...just hadn’t been able to think fast enough. . At first it was kind of a treat to have Lex be the one squirming for a change, but the fun had stopped awhile ago. For the first time, Lex was the one fobbing him off. It seemed weird that Lex, who was always poking and prodding, was hiding information. Telling him, when Clark asked, that this or that "didn’t concern him." Lex wouldn’t tell him anything now. Was that fair?

Tell me everything, Clark wanted to say. I want to know you. All about you.

And if you’re in trouble, I want to help
.

__________________

He’d detected the click of a pistol, and an unknown voice. There was no doubt in Clark’s mind. But Lex said he was alone, and there was no one else in sight.

Lex looked cool in sweats. Younger, almost like a kid, although Clark knew he could never say that. His top was soaked with sweat and he was breathing hard. Winded, thought Clark. And hot. His stomach flipped.

"Clark, what are you doing here?"

"Your office told me you were here."

Lex had seemed frightened when Clark burst in. He looked slight and vulnerable alone in the deserted gym, and Clark just wanted to grab and hold him, hug him tight The two of them hadn’t been able to spend any time together since this whole thing started, and Clark just wondered if Lex was feeling as deprived as he was.

He wasn’t sure. Lex didn’t exactly look glad to see him. Clark felt the grin fade from his face, but he kept on talking.

"Hey, I looked up Max Kasitch. I know what happened at Club Zero. That he was shot, and killed Jude Royce. Everyone fits into this except for you. What’s going on?"

Lex kneaded the white towel he held as Clark spoke. "Please, Clark, for our friendship, I’m asking you to stay out of this. Some secrets are better left alone."

Lex took a big gulp from his bottle of water, casting edgy, furtive glances around the gym. A couple of drops were sliding down the side of his chin, mingling with sweat, and the pink tip of his tongue slipped out to catch them before they fell. Clark willed him to look up, but Lex didn’t meet his eyes.

"I just wish you’d tell me what you’re hiding from," Clark kept his voice low. "What you’re afraid of. What’s going on." He took a quick breath and looked down earnestly, trying to catch Lex’s gaze with his own. "Lex, I know you’re never scared, but I think you are now. So let me help."

Lex shifted on the bench, and when he finally raised his eyes to Clark’s, his tone was dusky and almost a whisper. "Clark. Come here." He set the water bottle down beside him and beckoned lightly with one hand.

Clark obediently stepped closer. He felt a thrill run from the inside of his thighs up to his groin as Lex reached out to grasp his zipper and pull him closer. Lex glanced up at him and the corners of his mouth lifted just a little. Clark smiled back. Lex tugged at the zipper, which was stuck, and Clark put his hand on Lex’s and helped ease it down.

Lex seemed to know he just couldn’t get enough of it these days. But Clark wasn’t the one who needed help right now. Or was he?

Lex leaned in. Rubbed his cheek against the fabric of Clark’s boxers, dampening the cloth. Clark caught his breath as he felt himself harden. Reaching up to cradle Lex’s head between his own perspiring hands, he coaxed him to look up. Clark raised questioning eyebrows, and smiled again, just a little.

"You sure you’re okay?" He spoke in tones as soft and tender as he could manage.

Lex nodded. "Thanks for worrying about me."

Clark shrugged, a delicious shiver going through him at the crisp, husky of sound Lex’s voice in the quiet air of the gym. "I care about you, Lex. You should know that."

"I do," Lex murmured, hands gliding to grasp Clark’s hips to hold him in place.

Clark moistened his lips with his tongue, too shy to ask Lex for a sip of his water. Knowing what was coming next, and the better to savor it, he let his eyes drop close. When he felt the first nibble of Lex’s lips at the base of his cock, the first poke of pointed tongue in the thatch of hair around his balls, his response was a whimper.

Heat flooded his cheeks. "Lex." He had to try twice to speak, because the first time his voice just came out in a scratchy squeak. You’re trying to distract me, he wanted to say, and it’s working.

Lex took another big swig of the ice water and held it for a moment or two before swallowing. In a moment, Clark felt the chill of water-cooled mouth, moist and tight around his cock. Lex sucked, pulled back and let his cold tongue glide around the tip. Clark’s breath caught in his throat. And before he could think further, he was moaning and pumping hard into Lex’s mouth.

_______________

When he came back to himself, Lex was swiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. And looking off, preoccupied, around the gym and at the door, everywhere but at him. What happened should have brought them closer, but Clark felt suddenly even more alone than before. He drew a deep, shaky breath.

Lex held up a hand before he could say anything.

"Let me handle it, Clark," he said in the same dusky voice from before. In a minute, he was on his feet and pounding at the bag again, and Clark knew he’d been dismissed. He zipped up, cheeks burning.

_______________

Outside, the street lights were on. He was due at Lana’s at seven to work on the project. So he needed to get home to chores and dinner fast. Not that he was very hungry.

Everything Lex touches ends badly. Lana’s words from the night before echoed in his memory.

Does that include me? Clark wondered. He felt empty inside
.

He took a last look at the gym through the frosty dusk, the hope that Lex would have had second thoughts and follow him out lingering for a moment before vanishing.

Give him some time, Clark told himself. Maybe in a bit, Lex would level. Trust him with the secrets from his past.

Then maybe someday he could do the same.

________________

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